New Dayz Server - Dayz.revenantgaming.com:2302
#1
if you like to write feel free to post your work as i will. feel free to give ideas and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. and be prepared to receive the same. since i made the post i will go first with the restart of a book i tried to write years ago before the work was lost.
WARNING it is going to be a dark and graphic story for the first few chapters. it will change tone as it goes

anyway, here is chapter one of fantasy without a name. currently the tech advancement is at about the start of the equivalent of what was present during the real world american revolution. muskets and muzzle loading rifles are being used/developed. cannons are present and swords are still used to an extent. ballistas and trebuchets are no longer really a thing.
i wont say much of the world yet as i am still trying to rebuild it, suffice to say there is a rather uneasy tension in the world between two nations called Strataan and Palendil. think of Strataan as a mix of feudal Japan and post-communist revolution Russia. Palendil is far from perfect but i am still working on that as i try to remember its particular political and socio-economic systems.
the main character is of a... sorta non-human race called the Konori, and their way of life is similar to some native american cultures in my mind. since i let stories tell themselves for the most part we will see how it goes together. :)
i cannot wait to take this journey with everyone and i truly hope i can see it to completion.

CHAPTER ONE WILL BE UPLOADED LATER WHEN THE SITE ALLOWS IT.
if it never does then... i dont know.
will update this post when the situation changes


EDIT: found a way to share until the file upload issue gets looked into. just go to this google drive link to see the 2 chapters (chapter 2 is still WiP) i currently have up.
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1hgdG5txt766LUWIHORnFzlz5TFTfJMrz?usp=sharing
 
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Rexigar

Active member
Staff member
#4
I read the first chapter. I'm a sucker for a gladiatorial style story. (Shout out to Spartacus's first few seasons).

I felt it flowed well, before I knew it I was at the bottom of the page. I feel accurately portraying fast action in words is difficult, but I didn't seem to lose my way through your explanation of the fight in the arena.

As far as constructive criticism goes, the only thing that made me think, was the 2 parts in the first chapter where she expresses the desire to die. Now it may be addressed later, but it begs the question, why not just lose in the arena and rid yourself of the pain? However it was a good read and you should def keep adding on to it.
 
#5
thank you. i was hoping i described the action scene well. also i thought that point about her desire for death would come up... i will eventually explain in more detail in a later chapter about what is called "conditioning" in ch 1. basically the long and short of it is it's a little bit of magic that sort of enthralls/enslaves a person, but still allows them some free will. think having youself bound up in rubber bands or stretchy bungee cords. you can still act but only so far as the restraining bands/cords allow, before they pull you limbs back, unless you or something else finds a way to cut one. then they all start to unravel. in this world such magics are considered an affront to all things decent in some civilized lands.
that said it is also slightly inconsistent where the Konori are concerned due to... something i will reveal later, since it is integral to a sub plot in the worlds story.
anyway, sadly i would advise you dont get comfy with the gladiatorial combat. it is not going to happen much more if at all. though there will still be battles later, the main character will, with my best efforts, be written like someone with ptsd/combat fatigue. she's already weary of fighting as was stated in the first chapter, and will be, for lack of a better word, haunted by her past. both remembered and forgotten. i could tell ya, but its more fun to let you wonder what that means :sneaky:
i have ideas already for a sequel if i ever finish this one, that involve essentially a world war 1 type conflict, told from a fairly... unique role and perspective. i.e.: not a front line fighters perspective. that is a long way off though.
 

Rexigar

Active member
Staff member
#6
Very interesting concept about the whole enthralling magics. You could potentially foreshadow it if desired. Just an idea I had..."The thought of death constantly filled her every thought. She even considered ending her own life to spare herself the misery of her existence. However, as strong as she was, mentally and physically. She was powerless to act."

Leaves a little mystery, addresses the desire to die. Just spit balling. Good stuff though!
 
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